Read Episode 6 here
For the next five days, I locked myself up in my room. I switched off my phone as well. I only came out when I needed to use the toilet or when I wanted to break my fast for the day. I sought the face of the Lord. I poured out my emotions and feelings to the Lord. I sought His forgiveness for running ahead of him. I pleaded for His guidance and leading. I wept, I sang, I studied, I prayed, I listened.
At the end of the five days, I had not gotten much clarity yet but something had happened in me. My spirit man was alive, active, energized and rejuvenated. I had not felt this way in a long while. I felt lighter and happier. My heart was more attuned to the voice of God. I could feel the presence of the Lord wash over me like the rain. I was so glad I had spent time in his presence.
Immediately I turned on my phone, Gozie’s call came in. I picked it up.
‘Angel what happened?’ he queried. ‘Your number has been switched off for days now’.
‘Sorry about that’, I said. ‘I was having some time with the Lord’.
‘Alright, I hope God has settled all your unnecessary doubts’.
I didn’t say anything.
‘Anyways’, he continued, ‘I wanted to tell you that I’ll be coming to Owerri very soon. I’ve missed seeing your pretty face’, he said as he chuckled.
I searched my Spirit. What do I say Lord? I inquired. In a whisper, I heard God say ‘Let him come’.
‘Okay, that’s fine’, I replied.
‘Haba, you are not even sounding excited. Haven’t you missed me?’
I smiled. ‘I’ll send my address to you’.
‘Alright my angel. I love you’.
‘Bye’, I said as I ended the call. I quickly put a call across to Mummy Okoro and informed her of his proposed visit. She asked me to bring him over to her house whenever he came.
Three days later, Gozie called to inform me that he was on his way. So many emotions were intertwined in my heart. I longed to see him again, but I also remembered the discussion I had with Mummy Okoro. I just wished God would thunder from heaven in a loud voice and tell me what to do.
I heard a knock on the gate and rushed out to open it. Immediately I set my eyes on Gozie, my spirit became unsettled. I couldn’t understand why, but turmoil started rising gradually inside me. I kept it to myself as I welcomed him to my house.
Gozie noticed I was not my cheerful self. ‘Goodness, something is wrong, you are not your usual self’, he said as we entered into the sitting room.
I smiled. ‘You can sit, Gozie. Let me get you water to drink’ I said as I headed towards the kitchen.
When I came back, I sat opposite him and looked intently at him. I still felt love for him, but I felt something else too- withdrawal.
‘Why are you staring at me like that?’ he asked. ‘Is that how much you have missed me?’ he asked jokingly.
I smiled faintly.
‘Angel what is the matter?’ he asked again as he stretched his hand to touch my cheeks. I withdrew immediately and he dropped his hand.
‘Gozie, I’ve been thinking and praying’, I started.
‘About our future?’
‘About my future’, I corrected.
He shrugged his shoulders but didn’t say anything.
‘I think we need to take a long break. I want to be sure that I am not been led by emotions. I need to get more clarity from God’.
He sighed. ‘Goodness this is one thing I don’t like about you. Sometimes you talk like an unbeliever’
‘How?’ I was puzzled.
‘How can you say you want to be sure that you are not led by emotions? It is only unbelievers that are led by emotions. Believers are led by the Spirit of God’.
‘Look’, he continued. ‘I don’t know why you have suddenly developed cold feet in this relationship. What has your mentor been feeding your head with?’
‘The truth’, I said quietly. ‘She has been feeding me with the truth’.
‘So you want to end this relationship that has only just begun?’ He asked annoyingly.
‘I’m sorry Gozie. It’s painful for me too, but right now, I need clarity and direction from God’.
‘And your mentor told you I am the stumbling block to your progress in life, right?’ He said, standing up.
‘Gozie don’t speak like that. My mentor wants the best for me, and she also wants the best for you’.
He bent down to pick his bag.
‘Are you leaving?’
‘Isn’t it obvious that I am not welcome here?’
‘But mummy Okoro would like to meet you’.
‘For what?’ He asked, clearly upset.
‘She just wants to meet you and have a little chat with you’.
‘I’m not interested’.
‘Come on Gozie, she won’t take much of your time’.
‘I said I am not interested. It is clear that she has brainwashed you and turned your heart against me’.
I was surprised. ‘How can you say that Gozie? Do you know how childish you sound right now?’
He turned to me with a look of anger on his face.
‘So it has gotten to this point? You no longer have regard for me right? You now call me names?’
Names? I wasn’t expecting Gozie to react this way.
‘I didn’t call you names. I only said…’
‘Are you seeing me off to the park or should I find my way there?’ He said, interrupting my sentence.
‘Gozie, mummy Okoro will not be happy that you didn’t stop by her place’.
‘Who cares?’ He said as he picked up his bag and stormed out of the sitting room.
I was taken aback. I never expected this kind of reaction or behavior from Gozie. I didn’t bother to follow him out. If he could boldly disregard my mentor, then what made me think he would have regard for me if we eventually got married?
When I told mummy Okoro all that happened, she only laughed and said ‘don’t let it bother you dear. I know his type. Keep seeking the face of God’
That night as I lay on my bed, I cried. Why would the Lord show me dreams and revelations about a man who is not His will for me? Why had I felt peace and joy in my heart each time I prayed for Gozie. As I cried and pondered, two scriptures jumped into my heart almost immediately. I picked up my Bible and read Ecclesiastes 5:3
For a dream comes through much activity, and a fool’s voice is known by his many words…”
I also read Ezekiel chapter 14 verses 1 to 11 and while reading, verse 5 struck me.
‘Therefore speak to them and say to them, “thus says the LORD GOD: every one of the house of Israel who sets up his idols in his heart, and puts before him what causes him to stumble into iniquity, and then comes to the prophet, I the LORD will answer him who comes, according to the multitude of his idols…’
In that moment, understanding hit me. My attraction to Gozie made me think so much about him, which translated to my seeing him in my dreams at night. I loved him so much that he became an idol in my heart, and that was why the relationship pulled me away from God, instead of pushing me closer to God. No wonder I was experiencing false peace and joy after praying about him. God was only answering me according to the idol in my heart.
I went on my knees in tears and thanked the Lord. Yes, I was very hurt and heartbroken but I was glad that God had delivered me from making a mistake.
The next morning, I sent a text to Gozie reaffirming my stand. I was no longer interested in the relationship. He replied the text by saying that he hoped I come to my senses soon enough and realize what I was doing to myself. I didn’t bother sending another text to him.
With Gozie out of my life, I had enough time and space to consecrate my heart to the Lord. It wasn’t easy at first, as thoughts of him kept drifting in and out of my mind. Gozie on the other hand wasn’t helping matters as he kept calling and begging me to reconsider my decision. When I became fed up, I blocked his number and I blocked him on all my social media handles.
I gave myself unto the Lord. I poured my life on his altar as a drink offering and as a living sacrifice. I began to live with one major purpose: to do His will, and His will alone. Somewhere in my journal, I wrote down the following words:
Lord, I give up all my own plans and purposes, all my own desires and hopes, and accept your will for my life. Use me as you will, send me where you will and work out your whole will in my life at any cost, now and forever. Amen.
Mummy Okoro was also very instrumental in my healing process. We had regular Bible studies and prayer sessions at her place. She recommended good books for me to read. She even taught me how to prepare some of her special delicacies.
By the time I was returning back to school for the new session, I was blazing. My spiritual tempo had sky rocketed. I no longer got tired at my altar of prayer. I was hearing God with more accuracy and precision. I now had a glimpse of God’s purpose for my life. My life’s vision was gradually taking shape. I had put aside the issue of marriage because the Lord assured me that when the time was right, He would make it happen.
I gave my final year everything I had. It was difficult, stressful and demanding but I was determined to finish well. God crowned my efforts with success and I finished with a second class upper. I was overjoyed.
Three months after my final exams, I was posted to Calabar for my one year national youth service. I had never been to Calabar before, so it took me a while to get used to the city. I met new people and I made new friends, especially from the Corpers’ fellowship.
Nine months into my service year, the Corpers’ fellowship was invited to minister in songs and drama at one of the churches in the town. It was my first time in that church, and as soon as I entered, I felt a welcoming atmosphere. I was neither part of the drama team or choir. My good friend Tara, a member of the choir had insisted that I attend the church with them. In fact, she practically dragged me out of my bed that morning.
As I sat in the auditorium, I silently thanked God that I followed her. The service was awesome and soul lifting. Towards the end of the service, I stepped out to get a bottle of water and I sensed someone was following me. The moment I got out of the auditorium, I turned back to look and I couldn’t believe who my eyes saw.
Thanks for reading. Episode 8 comes up next!